A grandmother called her granddaughter rude for refusing a hug, but the advice columnist says the teen did nothing wrong.
A family trip to visit a grandmother turned into a tense standoff on October 31, 2026, after a 16-year-old girl named Missy refused a hug from her grandmother's friend Helen, prompting the grandmother to call her rude and leading the parents to write to The Washington Post's "Asking Eric" column for backup. Columnist R. Eric Thomas sided firmly with the teenager, saying she had every right to say no.
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How the hug standoff unfolded during the family visit
According to the letter published in the Washington Post, the family had traveled to a nearby city to see the writer's mother. While they were there, the mother's friend Helen stopped by the house. The family already knew Helen from past visits and described her as someone who liked to hug everyone she met.
Missy tried to dodge the expected hug by standing on the far side of the dining room table. Helen was not deterred. She walked around the table with her arms stretched out, clearly aiming for an embrace. At her parents' suggestion, Missy put out her hand for a handshake instead, hoping that would settle things peacefully.
Helen did not accept the handshake as a substitute. She reached over and tried to move Missy's hand out of the way, still pushing for a hug. That is when Missy stepped backward and said plainly, "I don't like to hug." The girl's parent, who wrote the letter, jumped in and changed the subject, which finally ended the physical standoff.
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Grandmother's reaction sparks the bodily autonomy debate
Once Helen left the house, the grandmother did not let the moment go. She scolded Missy for what she saw as rude behavior toward an old friend. The parents pushed back, explaining that they had always taught their daughter about bodily autonomy and that she never has to hug anyone she does not want to touch her.
That disagreement is exactly why the parent wrote to Asking Eric, asking who was actually in the wrong, Helen or Missy. The letter also noted that Helen is likely to visit again, and Missy had floated the idea of simply not being home the next time. The grandmother strongly objected to that plan too.
Thomas did not hesitate in his response. "Missy is right and you're right to teach her that she doesn't have to do anything with her body that she doesn't want to do. Full stop," he wrote. He acknowledged that Helen and the grandmother likely see hugging as a warm, harmless gesture, but he pointed out that Missy clearly does not experience it the same way.
Why the advice columnist says consent matters more than custom
Thomas built his answer around a simple idea: a hug only works if both people want it. "A hug is a two-person act," he explained, meaning Helen's enthusiasm for hugging does not override Missy's right to decline. The columnist noted that affection can be shown in plenty of other ways, physical or otherwise, that do not require forcing contact on someone who has said no.
What stands out in this case is how many times Missy tried to signal her boundary before things escalated. She positioned herself across the table, she offered a handshake as a compromise, and when that was brushed aside, she stepped back and used her words. Each of those moves was a clear, calm attempt to avoid unwanted touching, not a rude outburst or a tantrum.
The letter does not include any response from Helen herself, and there is no indication she has explained her side of the exchange. The grandmother's objection appears to rest on the idea that refusing a hug from an older family friend is impolite, a view Thomas directly rejected in his column.
What comes next when Helen visits again
Looking ahead, Thomas did not suggest cutting Helen out of the family's life or having Missy hide during future visits. Instead, he recommended that the parents talk to the grandmother before Helen's next trip over. He suggested reminding her of Missy's boundary ahead of time and making clear that the parents will keep backing their daughter's choice.
That kind of advance conversation, Thomas implied, could prevent another awkward scene at the dining table. It shifts the responsibility onto the adults to set expectations early, rather than leaving a teenager to fend off an unwanted hug in the moment while relatives watch and judge her reaction.
There is no indication of any formal resolution yet, since this is a family dispute rather than a legal or institutional matter. The outcome now depends on whether the grandmother and Helen are willing to accept Missy's boundary and greet her in ways she is actually comfortable with, whether that is a handshake, a wave, or just a simple hello.
The column, syndicated across multiple news outlets after its October 31 publication, has struck a chord because it touches on a question many families quietly argue about: whether children and teens owe physical affection to adults simply because they are older or because refusing feels impolite. Thomas's answer leaves little room for debate on that point.
